A girlfriend of mine is currently undergoing a two month state of sobriety. She feels that Christmas and New Year, combined with some less than favourable outcomes with potential partners, made for a personal intervention. She has done amazingly well considering she is an absolute trash bag and admits that her self confidence and ability to engage men becomes exponential after consuming two bottles of white. To her credit, she is still coming to pubs, still going on dates and going to all the music festivals happening during the two month period.

This has made for an extremely interesting social experiment. To me, it seems absolutely abhorrent and alien, and I have no desire to torment myself with an alcohol-free two months. However some quite startling results have come to light.  Despite her obvious clear skin, clear eyes, trim hips and overall improved well being, my friend, who for reasons on anonymity will be called Sharon, has become a very useful observer and informant.

She is dating a man she met at a pub while sober. Despite his tipsy efforts she gave him her number. She will only agree to Art galleries, festival events, restaurants or coffee, as she quite simply can’t go to a bar, or a pub. And the result?

He is totally into her.

I mean totally. Could this be because of the unmentionable? Is he into her because she is not calling him in a drunken stupor on Friday night? Is it because she is simply being herself, not an alter-ego drunkard  – and is offering more to this man? Maybe this is something that is worth thinking about.

As Charlie discussed earlier, seedy bars are not conducive to meeting your ideal partner. Yet that seems to be the most common avenue until Meet My Friend came into existence – still, it is now a popular first meeting place for frst meetings.

Sharon’s sobriety has also made her some notable finds. She is not waking up on Sunday thinking, “Shit, what did I do?” “Did I call him?” “Was I an idiot?” Quite the opposite, she wakes up, goes to the gym, feels amazing and can sit pretty that she did not sabotage anything with anyone.

Maybe us drinkers, who think ‘wine maketh the man’ is not really the reality of the situation at all. Maybe we should try art galleries, try daytime activities, and say no to pubs. Not for two months, but maybe for that first date.

It can’t hurt right?  Wow, I need a drink after that.

Ladies! Maybe you can help me out here?

Keeping in mind that meeting strangers of the opposite sex in a nightclub or bar isn’t the best place to find the love of your life, why do you females insist on NEVER making the first move? Why do us blokes have to stick our necks time after time, approach a girl, think of something amusing to say and wait to see if we’re going to be shot down in flames- sometimes in the most humiliating way? Even when a girl makes it perfectly obvious that she thinks a guys cute she’ll stay where she is and expect the man to try to kick off a conversation and then get pissed off when he doesn’t!
 
According to my trusty netowork, apparently more and more girls are taking the iniative and chatting up blokes. But lets be honest, you’re talking about a tiny percentage, bascially negligible.
 
I don’t know if you girls realise it, but it takes a lot of courage to go up a girl and risk being knocked back, especially if you’ve only had one or two beers and aren’t slurring your words and spitting all over her face. It also appears that quite a few women these days have mastered the art of barring guys by being exceptionally rude, humiliating and condescending. Okay, I understand its a defence mechanism against drunk, disgusting males who won’t take no for an answer. However, I know plenty of guys who aren’t like that and yet they still seem to face a lack of common manners.
 
I just want to let girls know that most blokes think it’s really cool when the female sex chats them up, so its about time that females stepped up to the plate and show a bit more courage. Also ( and this is directed at the minority of women – you know who you are! ), being a complete bitch to just about every guy that tries to ask you your name isn’t the way to be in my opinion. A polite but firm refusal works just fine.

Here I am in the country (with the internet thank god) having a bit of Christmas nostalgia.

Christmas is a tough for one for me and my family. My family can’t understand why I am single, and what’s worse is they can’t fathom my disinterest in moving to the back of North Queensland and marrying the millionaire farmer.  So this pressure has got me thinking – Could this actually be an option?

I thought I would be a little lonely this year as I have not had a single Christmas for some time, however on the contrary it’s been brilliant. Suddenly unknown country talent is making itself known to me whereas previously the country lads were not really on my radar. Country boys have a certain sexual ruggedness. I love my fellow Sydney man, however the men up here are a totally different breed. Admittedly there has been some communication breakdown as they obviously haven’t been told it’s a fashion crime to still wear High School football jerseys to the pub, however the nice thing is these boys just don’t give a shit. Sydney men seem to be so preoccupied, they are concerned with such minor and insignificant things that it is refreshing to chat these country boys.

Christmas Eve in my county town is awash with the mix of people who are from the cities who come home for the night, and all the farmers also come out, probably to catch a glimpse at some new talent. As a social experiment here in this small pub it is easy to pick the boys from the men. The strapping farmers open the door for you, give up their seat and insist on standing, and cross the room to ask you if you want a drink. The particular farmer that paid me this courtesy was 30, however, I am not so certain this could be said of his younger brothers. What I liked about him, apart from his great body and great tan, was that he was genuinely amazed at what I did, where I lived and what I had done with my life. I could not help but think it would be so easy to move back to the country and meet a lovely man, who would treat me like a princess and keep me happy till I was an old bag.

Deep down I know that in the past I probably could have married the farmer. From where I now stand this option looks so simple, so uncomplicated. No more bars, no more dating, no more shagging. Girls from my boarding school have done exactly this. They have kids now. They have verandahs and work on the garden on the weekend. So I guess is this it for us gals? Do we one day realise ‘tick tock’ and take the easy road? I just don’t know. We could probably all make a great life with this man. Maybe us city gals dismiss it too hastily. I mean country life is great, and you can always order clothes online.

All I know is that for something that seemed so abhorrent to me a while ago, now does not seem so bad. Is that bad? I poked fun at those verandah owners, now I think maybe I could have a verandah too. But at what cost? Am I shallow for even having these thoughts? I feel like a sell out for some reason. As they say ‘You can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl.’

Charlie I think that you are spot on with your previous response about the two-to three day window before calling after your first date. I rarely appreciate a call back the next day in the general sense. However, ironically, if you happen to ‘sleep over’ after that fateful night you previously described in a bar, then women really crave some contact. Perhaps this is mainly to dispel the worry we have that it was just all about the booty call, and they are not ‘into’ us – perhaps it’s because we are a bit emotionally committed.

Thus, girls the age old rule, you can’t put out. You just can’t.

I have been in this position. You agonize, watching the phone, try tuning it off; even calling it to make sure it is still working. And still it doesn’t ring… Conversely I have also had long term partners whom I slept with on the first date.

Answer this for me Chucky, would you call a girl back if she put out on the first date?

The aforementioned question receives a great deal of discussion from my girlfriends. My male friends say they don’t care, that regardless of first date behaviours if they are interested then there will be a follow up. I guess as long as the follow up is not at 3am on a Sunday morning it’s generally acceptable.

I think the whole male calling women is an old fashioned ideal we still cling to. I know that it seems dated, however girls still like to be courted. At least a little. I still expect my future husband to ask my father for his approval before he proposes, yet this is also dated, but quite common practice in the 21st century. 

Ladies come on, – tell me about your experience? Maybe it’s just me that does not get the call back, or even worse, maybe I am bad in bed!!

I believe that the probability of a guy calling you boils down to a matter of interest. If  he really likes you (preferably one you haven’t met in a nightclub or pub) he’ll generally call when he says he will. If he doesn’t, then it’s a pretty good measurement of how interested he is. As Greg Behrendt’s book goes… maybe He’s Just Not That Into You?

Secondly, I’m of the belief that meeting the opposite sex in a bar spells trouble, because you’re usually dealing with someone on the hunt for a shag (I speak for blokes on this point). Plus the guy you’re looking at is more than likely under the influence of alcohol or drugs – or both. How much faith can you put into what someone says they’ll do in this sort of environment? In my opinion, very little!!

But while we’re on the calling game, it’s pretty standard practice to wait two the three days before you call someone. However, if you really like someone I bet you wouldn’t mind if they called you the next day… I know I wouldn’t!

Charlie

PS. In my experience, it’s quite rare that a girl is the first person to call. Nine times out of ten it’s the guy who makes the first move. Why is this?

We are just as baffled as you.

I know Charlie, easy for me to say, as I sit here with a uterus, but although I understand your quandary, it is very much the same argument for women. What do you want?!

I can speak from experience that, as a race women are also confused. Take for example a recent episode I had with a man. He liked me. He tracked me down, and then the pursuit begins. Very primal. Man likes woman. Man chases woman. Then Man moves on to next Woman. This is pretty much how it played out. The minute I began to lower my guard, he vanished. It is lose-lose for us gals. If we call you then we are ‘Too keen.’ If we don’t then we are ‘playing the game’. If we even think to mention a ‘second date’ then we feel needy. Then if we even think to sleep with you, then we are the awful ‘floozy.’ So what is the right balance?

I would like to bluntly say we don’t want to bear your children. Well not after the first date anyway. We don’t want a diamond, and we don’t want to read Domain with you on a Saturday morning.

In response to you Charlie, I can’t speak for all women, as we are all wonderfully different, unique and exotic; however I hope I can speak for a few. We certainly don’t want the bastards. It may appear that way, when you are in a trendy bar, and all the cute girls are swarming over the table of arrogant, sleazy, well dressed men. However in most cases, these guys are single. Why is that Charlie? Because they are Bastards!

It is honestly not the case that women no longer need men. Well for straight women anyway. Truth is we need you. More than you realise. Not just because fundamentally women want to be held, told we are beautiful, and ultimately have children someday, but because you smell good, you’re strong and you behave so strangely at times we love it. We don’t need you, we want you. Agreed that society has changed, no loner do we have to wear stockings, and prepare deserts for our men. However it does not change the primal desires that are inherent within us. The money issue is very minor; I think personally it’s more of an issue for you. You’re threatened we are earning more money. I have to admit though, from a few recent dates, some men are a little neurotic. Constant calling or booty call messages at 1am. I will take those on a case by case basis, but that is down right painful and an immediate turn off.

I want some answers. I want to know why you don’t call when you say you will? I want to know why you say things you don’t mean? I also want to know what the rules are with the calling? Because to tell you the truth, you have all lost me!

Immy

I’m your regular 25 year-old single girl, with regular tastes, insecurities and hang ups about men.

I date. Some may say I date a lot.

I am good at dating. I know that because I can go to dinner (take last Thursday for example), talk to a man for anywhere up to four hours, listen to his mundane stories about his mundane job and even laugh at his mundane jokes. I then get the text message the next day, “So I have not heard from you. What happened? I thought we had an awesome time.” Don’t get me wrong, I often act like a guy would in many cases. Actually come to think of it, I was the guy last Thursday.

So here I am trying a new approach.

When asked what I am looking for in a man, I can honestly say that as a woman it’s a lot simpler than men think… although I do expect a quick sense of humour, and some decorum. It’s not about the money, the looks, the job, or size and girth. (Well I will get to that later) but at the end of the day, all I really want is to meet someone who thinks I am great. Isn’t that what every woman wants?

Of late I have found myself dating on average about once a week. Some are fantastic, some are hilarious, and some are just bloody awful. I recently dated a 30-year-old guy who lived at home on the lower North Shore. He was very sweet, had a great job in television and was a self-confessed Mummy’s boy. This I can handle. However, halfway through the date he excused himself for 10 minutes. When he returned he told me that he had just called in to let his mum know he was safe and that he would not be late. I mean COME ON!

To be frank I am loving dating men, meeting new men and kissing new men. It’s fun. I don’t invest too much, so I don’t expect too much. It’s not a great feeling to be told by the guy you like that he is also dating other women, and you are about third on his list. But you know what it’s all part of it, and someday he will meet someone he thinks is great. So here I am. Looking for someone who thinks I am great. Not an easy feat, but we shall see, and you shall get to read my adventures along the way.

Happy dating people.

Argh the dating game!